Fall reminds me that as much as it hurts , it will never be as bad as it was back then. I already gave the power to break my heart to someone else years ago. He is far away now. Anyway I’m not the same. I could never give anyone else that power ever again if I tried. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that letting me go will be a step closer to you finding love with someone in the way you could not with me. I never wanted to be a lesson for you, a moment of trial and error.
Lately, my dreams show me what I want, in a way that I have not admitted to you. It isn’t enough to be happy in my dreams. It isn’t enough to feel safely hidden in my pride. What is enough to realize we need to let go? What is enough to overcome feelings of desire? What is enough to forgive? What is enough to forget? What is enough to move on in peace? What is enough to grow and wake up one morning with a sound mind, and a strong heart, satisfied and content? What is enough to stop missing everyone I miss in my life? What is enough for life to feel restorative? What is enough? You were enough. I was enough. But that wasn’t enough.
What have I harvested all year but hopes and endless exhausting attempts? All attempts to be smarter, thinner, more successful, more loved, more beautiful, more happy. These have grown into a chagrin that makes me feel as lifeless as leaves covered in dog shit laid in Central Park. What started as pearly champagne intentions are now heavy on me, like a chandelier fallen for everyone to witness like in “Phantom of the Opera”. Are spectators scared? Are friends worried about me? Do lovers run because they don’t know how to be with me? Come, look at what I have not accomplished yet. Come, look at this failed relationship. Come, look at me- older, heavier, and seemingly not a bit wiser.
Rather- come, it is fallen and I have your attention. I have control. I operate this theatre. I welcome you to stay for the second act. There is music that you have not even heard yet. I am awake. I am as cool as the air outside, mysterious as autumnal rain, dark as 6pm, stirring as the witching hour, and as inviting as the warm mulled wine brewing. I did not aim to be this way. Now I just tell myself, there is romance in growing with pain. There is happiness in change. There is much more possibility when we embrace our failures and embarrassments. There is an abundance of love in heartbreak. I am everything stunning that I could never even aim to be, filled with more life than I could ever hope for. I am a manifestation of all that is unplanned, unexpected, unimagined, unchartered and unsaid. This is what the season has taught me. Let go . Fall. Evolve. Be ugly and striking. Live with sadness and delight. Be so strong to do it all with grace and gratitude, and to live each moment- all those filled with doubt, anguish, tiredness, joy, sweetness, and overwhelming remarkableness- fully and fiercely.
